What I Gave up for Lent: "Feeling Aggravated"

Kids pulling on both ends of an elephant

I gave up “feeling aggravated” for Lent.

I had not made up my mind what I was going to do until after we had been to church on Ash Wednesday. Giving up a physical thing seemed to be meaningless. Giving of one’s time/material goods are things that should be done year-round. A true sacrifice that also meant acquiring a virtue seemed to be what I needed to do.

Some days I seem to breeze on through, feeling grateful for my beautiful family, nature, and all else God has given me. Other days I feel besieged by children who refuse to cooperate, incompetent clerks, people who have problems communicating clearly, and people who bounce checks.

Normally my blood pressure runs about 110/70, a very healthy number, but when I start to get aggravated I can literally feel my blood boil. I actually registered at 130/80 (“prehypertensive”) one morning when I was feeling like this. I know this is not a healthy state either physically or spiritually. I also wonder how I could allow external circumstances to alter my internal state of peace.

St. Therese of Liseaux wrote in “The Story of a Soul” of her frustrations dealing with the sisters she lived with. They would torture her in all the little ways they could, taking away what little comforts she could possibly have in her monastic lifestyle. She would respond by praying for them, and by trying to learn how to love them better. She actually had to avoid one sister for a while, for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing; but she eventually got so good at loving the good in her that the sister thought she was one of Therese’s favored ones.

Did Therese actually feel aggravated? Probably – she also wrote that it wasn’t wrong to feel a certain way except for how it makes you respond. Some days I think that if I didn’t have to deal with any people I would never get aggravated. That wouldn’t be too practical though.

One day I went ice skating alone with my three-year-old; another day we fell asleep on an early spring day in the sun. “Isn’t life wonderful,” I would think, and vow to hold onto that feeling when times got tough. Playing ball with my kids I also forget all that is bothering me – there is no sound but the cracking of the bat in my brain. Running also clears my mind, and leaves me with a sense of well-being for much of the day. “Maybe I should just stick to these activities that make me feel peaceful,” I think. Or I could live in the real world.

One morning I was doing fairly well. My kids came home from a half day and I had to lean on them to get them to finish their education fair projects. Within a half hour I was yelling, feeling at the end of my rope with one of them. I thought of my resolution. “Does EXASPERATED count?” I thought. I lost it about ten times that day.

In casual conversation, I have been mentioning my resolution with other moms. They usually think I’m joking. “Good luck with that,” they say.

One of my Facebook friends,Br. Cassian Sama, commented:
"Don't worry my friend! Struggling with impatience is God's way of telling you that he wants to bless you in that virtue. If you don't give up and continue to strive for it, then you can easily attain the rest of the virtues that will make you the holy wife, mother, and woman God has destined you to be. For Patience is the engine and force that gives life to all virtues."

Today I received a rejection letter for my book proposal. It was a “good” letter because it said some nice things about the merits of my book – but it still is kind of like winning the silver medal in the Olympic hockey game. Close, but no cigar. This scripture speaks to me on my handling of both “aggravation” and disappointment.

Romans
Chapter 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2 through whom we have gained access (by faith) to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
3 Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,
4 and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope,
5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

Fish: It’s What’s for Dinner, and Lunch, and Breakfast

Some may find fault with this, but I find I look forward to Lent, if only for the culinary delights. I love fish; my husband just tolerates it.

This Friday morning I made him a tuna sandwich. I made one can, which makes two sandwiches for us. Rather than have to wrap up the second one, I ate it for breakfast.

The kids being home early from a half-day at school, we had fish sticks for lunch.

For dinner there were flounder and salmon, over a bed of my metabolic rice garnished with fresh steamed broccoli. The kids and I love salmon, but my husband really hates it. So I make both. Everyone is happy, and eating healthy.

Here is my husband’s plate.



Here is my plate.



Here is my son’s plate.



Elizabeth’s method for cooking all sorts of fish:
Coat a glass baking dish with olive oil.
Coat both sides of the fish with olive oil.
Place skin-side down in the dish.
Sprinkle with seafood seasoning, usually a combination of salt and sweet paprika.
Seal dish with aluminum foil.
Bake at 400 degrees for 20 to 30 minutes.
Fish should be flaky through the middle when it is done.

Elizabeth’s Metabolic Rice (so named because it is filled with all sorts of ingredients which raise your metabolic heat, therefore burning more calories):
Place rice and water in pot at a ratio of one cup rice to two cups water.
Pour in kosher salt, pepper, and hot paprika, as desired.
Slice onions and place on top.
Bring to a simmer.
Cover and lower heat.
Simmer for 15 minutes.

Elizabeth’s Steamed Vegetables:
Place in glass casserole.
Drizzle with olive oil.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Microwave for approximately seven minutes.

Enjoy!

Another Reason to Rejoice

One of the Family

We just found out about the Sunday Rule for Lent this year. For our family sacrifice, we decided to repeat last year’s disavowal of ice cream. We had been successful in that, although our daily bowl of ice cream was missed, mostly because it was an easily controlled urge. All I had to do was not buy it when I went food shopping.

Last year, we didn’t realize we could have ice cream on Sundays, and actually went the whole 40 days without it. This year I knew we could have it that one day, but decided not to buy it anyway. It would just be beckoning to us all week long.

I finally had a chance to take my ten-year-old daughter out to buy a new softball bat with her birthday money. Her birthday was around Christmas, but the pickings were slim at the sports store in the middle of the winter. So, on my last free Sunday of the season, we headed out before the big snowstorm. I am really not a big shopper, and the big stores are pretty far away, so I tend to save up all my errands. We hit Sports Authority for her birthday bat, Toys’R’Us for my son’s upcoming birthday, and Panera Bread. (We also looked for a Barnes and Nobles, for which she had a gift card, but couldn’t find one.)

I had been carrying around several “free cookie” coupons from Panera Bread since the summer, when my kids had earned them from the Library Summer Reading Program. We stopped in. “The chocolate chip cookies are just coming out of the oven,” the lady behind to counter said.

My daughter leaned in to me and whispered, “I gave up chocolate for Lent.”

I whispered back, “It’s okay. On Sundays you can have what you gave up.”

Her face brightened.

The lady waited impatiently. “Do you know what you want?”

“Yes, we’ll take the chocolate chip cookie please.”

It was so hot that she had trouble getting it into the container without breaking it. The manager cautioned us to be careful.

When we got home, the snowstorm began. After dinner, I served chocolate cake. My eleven-year-old had given up desserts entirely, and was happy to hear she could have some.

What did my almost-eight-year-old son give up? “Being annoying,” at the behest of his sisters. He decided to be really strong and not be annoying, even on Sunday.

And what rewards we reaped! A whole 14 inches of snow that night, and no school! Even my husband stayed home, an extreme rarity for him. They made an igloo. While they were shoveling, I took our 2-1/2-year-old out. The snow was up to her knees, but she insisted on getting through it herself. “The snow is big,” she said.

“O sing unto the Lord a new song; for he hath done marvelous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.”
Psalms 98:1

The WHY of Sacrifice

My ten-year-old is giving up chocolate for Lent.

“What are you giving up?” she asks me.

“Clutter.”

“Huh?”

“Stuff I don’t need.”

“But isn’t that easy? If you don’t need it, how is that a sacrifice?”

“Well, for me it’s hard to do. And I get to turn it into almsgiving, as well.”

I love it when I can kill two birds with one stone. Prayer, fasting, almsgiving: those make three. If I pray while I am sorting through my belongings, I have them all covered.

Where does the temptation come in? There is temptation to keep stuff; to be lazy; to let it gather in the garage rather than put it in the car and take it to its destination; to not do it one day because I exceeded my minimum goal of ridding my house of one cubic foot of material goods the previous day. (I remember that it matters not what we did for Christ yesterday; He holds us accountable for what we did today.)

In the long run, I and my family will benefit from this Lenten activity. My house is losing weight, so to speak.

That brings up a question I have long had about Lenten fasting. Considering the well-established fact that the majority of American adults are trying to lose weight, I think it must be a thought in the back of their minds that, in giving up candy, snacks, desserts, and meat, they might just lose weight by Easter.

And, if that thought is present, is it wrong?

I had never seen this answer addressed until recently. While reviewing blogs for Catholic Mothers Online, I came across another blogger who held that it is wrong to fast with the motivation of losing weight.

And I suddenly realized that I really disagreed with this conclusion.

I think back to the day I quit smoking. I became a casual smoker in college, and never really thought it was very bad for me. I would not have quit for myself. The day I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I quit. Does the fact that this decision was good for me detract from the positive motivation of doing something good for my unborn baby? I don’t think so.

Two years later, a few weeks after the birth of our second daughter, my husband quit. He was a serious smoker, at two packs a day. He was still healthy and had no motivation to quit. However, the day the state tax increased the cost of a pack to $4 (January, 1999), he realized he had to quit for the financial good of the family. He quit cold turkey, and hasn’t slipped once. Again, someone who was giving up something for someone else and benefitted by his own well-being.

As temples of the Holy Spirit, we are commanded to take care of our bodies. When we knowingly fill those temples with things that are not good for us, we are falling prey to the weakness of sin. Year round, God wants us to take care of our bodies. If it takes a sacrifice to God to make it finally happen, I believe He is pleased. If we make that a lasting change, it is even better.

I read that Gwyneth Paltrow regularly goes on cleansing fasts of a minimum of ten days, during which she consumes nothing but water, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper. That would be a fast with the prime motivation of losing weight – and one which most of us would not be capable of holding up to. Now, losing weight or quitting smoking should not be the only motivation in our fasts, but the fact that it is difficult and we are willing to do it for God, while offering up our suffering in prayer, I believe makes it an acceptable Lenten sacrifice.

“But, even if I am poured out as a libation upon the sacrificial service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with all of you.”
Philippians 2:17

Landscape with the Temptation of Christ, Joos de Momper, 1564

Also posted at St. Blog’s The Divine Gift of Motherhood.

No Ashes for Me Today

I was unable to get to church today because my toddler, once again, is sick with a cold and fever.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a holy day of obligation,” my husband reminded me. He has reassured himself of this because he always works long hours during the week and cannot spare the time to attend church.

“At least the kids will get their ashes in school,” I say, as I whip up a tuna salad for our lunch.

Then I realize that I forgot to remind the kids not to use lunchmeat when they made their sandwiches last night. “Children are exempt before Confirmation, I think. Still, coming in with bologna sandwiches is not the fashionable thing to do in a Catholic School. I hope they don't get ribbed for it if they forgot.”

I had really thought I was ahead of the game this season of Lent. On Sunday I had my game plan of resolutions ready. I went food shopping and came home with two pounds of flounder for today’s dinner, and three pounds of ricotta cheese for Friday’s dinner. I even got a jumpstart on the decluttering I had planned to do. I had six cubic feet worth of stuff ready to go out the door today for donations. But God had other plans for me today. Maybe part of it was an extra dose of humility.

When the kids got home from school, I was preparing the flounder. “Hey, what did you kids make for lunch today?” I asked.

“Oh, Mom!” exclaimed my eleven-year-old, “We forgot we weren’t supposed to have meat! I had just finished my bologna sandwich when I realized it! I asked my math teacher if there were exceptions and she said to ask my religion teacher so I did. And she said if it was a mistake it’s okay, and if you’re under 14 you’re exempt. So then I felt better.”

She said she was giving up being mean to her siblings, having a messy room, and dessert. She said she’d have dessert on Sunday but not the other two. I liked her list.

Click here to read last year's post on Ash Wednesday.

Painting above: Christ Served by the Angels, Jacques de Stella, c. 1650

The Lenten Decision

“What should I give up for Lent?” my eleven-year-old asked, slouching into the couch.

“I can’t really give you the answer to that,” I replied, “You have to figure that out on your own.”

“Everybody in school already knows what they’re doing.”

“So what types of things are they giving up?”

“DS’s, TV, junk food…”

Those are all things we don’t do much of in our house, anyway. My kids don’t have hand-held video game devices, they don’t watch much TV, and I don’t buy any junk food.

“Remember what the priest talked about on Sunday, how what we give up should be something that makes sense for us, that cleanses us and improves our relationship with God and others?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, how about giving up behaviors that are harmful, like complaining, or teasing your brother, or having a messy room?” ( I couldn’t resist the opportunity to throw that one in.)

“I don’t know what to do…”

“Well, pray about it. And you don’t have to tell anyone what you’re giving up. It’s between you and God.”

Prayer, almsgiving, fasting. The three main components of Lenten practice, as outlined in Pope Benedict XVI’s Message for Lent.

I have some personal faults I will be working on, in addition to the following, which I am happy to share:

Prayer: Please join me in the 40 Days for Life. Pray the rosary once a day for the end of abortion. There are other activities you can join in on, such as peaceful vigils (which you can locate on the website), but prayer is something we can all do from anywhere.

Almsgiving: I am going to give up 40 cubic feet of CLUTTER! Every day I am going to get a box and remove 1 cubic foot of stuff that I don’t need and that I can donate to someone who does.

Fasting: Food usually isn’t a big part of my Lenten practice, except that I make fish twice a week instead of once. I am still nursing, so need all my meals. And I long ago gave up on almost all junk food, so there is not much I can really give up there.

The decision of what to do for Lent is a highly personal one. I wish you God-speed as you embark on your 40-day spiritual journey.

Painting by Ivan Kramskoy, Christ in the Wilderness, 1872.

40 Days for Life Spring 2009

The 40 Days for Life Spring 2009 Campaign starts on Ash Wednesday and continues for 40 days. You can go to 40DaysforLife.com to find events near you. If you are unable to participate in an event in your area, you can make a personal commitment to fast and pray specifically for that purpose during Lent. For example, instead of making Fish on Fridays, I will make it on Sundays and Fridays. Actually, that is not much of a sacrifice for me, as I love fish. I am still thinking of what to give up. As moms, we already have given up most of our old vices and are used to doing without for the sake of our children. Each year it seems I have less and less to give up.
You can also consider giving a little more to your local Birthright center, or writing more letters to politicians to fight legislation that supports abortion.
This spring so much more hangs in the balance. The more we can do, the better.

Pope Benedict's Message for Lent 2009

MESSAGE OF HIS HOLINESS
BENEDICT XVI
FOR LENT 2009
"He fasted for forty days and forty nights,
and afterwards he was hungry" (Mt 4,1-2)
You can read the message here:
http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/messages/lent/documents/hf_ben-xvi_mes_20081211_lent-2009_en.html

Failing in our Fasts

On Ash Wednesday, the baby turned her dinner bowl over onto her head. She looked adorable in her silly “hat”.

Then I remembered what had been in the bowl.

“Flounder! Fish hair! Oh no! Bleah bleah!”

Having fish for dinner is no sacrifice at our house. It is a great excuse to browse in the fish department and try new ways to make it.

My eldest daughter said that she was going to give up dessert for Lent. “All except for Fridays,” she said, “because I already give up meat those days.”

I hated to be a stumbling block for her, but I had already begun a batch of chocolate chip cookies. This was part of my new strategy, based on some advice from my Nanna, to give the baby baked goods before bedtime. This has worked all week in filling her up so she can sleep through the night.

“Are you sure about that resolution, honey?” I asked.

“Well, since we had fish today maybe I can have the cookies tonight.”

Later, my husband decided he would give up his nightly pint of ice cream.

Thinking of the scripture, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord,” I thought, “Why don’t we all follow suit and give up ice cream together.”

After all, much as we love our ice cream, this was one that would not rely on our self control. As I do the shopping, all I had to do was not stock the freezer with ice cream for 40 days. I thought maybe this would be too easy for the family, and not count fully as a sacrifice.

But then I remembered that this is what we are to do on a daily basis to avoid sin. “Flee from evil,” we are commanded. We are to remove ourselves from situations that tempt us to sin.

I know I may seem to be contradicting my last post, in which I said food was not my first choice as a sacrifice. This is one way I can make it easier for my family to give up something for an entire 40 days. I am also encouraging everyone to make their own sacrifices in addition to that.

I announced my own, to give up “critical complaining”. The kids rejoiced until I explained further. This doesn’t mean I can’t ask the kids to clean their rooms. It just means I have to do it in a more constructive way, complimenting them first on what they have done, and gently asking them to improve their messy ways.

Within minutes of this proclamation, I had already broken my promise.

On Day Three of Lent, many of us are in a similar predicament. We have already cheated on our personal Fasts and wonder if we should just give up, or perhaps exchange one vow for a new and easier one.

St. Paul complained that he was unable to stop sinning. He failed what he set out to do, and wound up doing what he did not want to do. But did he give up and go back to his old self, Saul? No, he knew that “we have all come short of the Glory of God”, and he simply asked God to help him to fight his sinful nature.

So I encourage everyone to stick to their vows. If you break your fast, ask Christ to forgive you and give you the strength not to do it again. That is why He died for us, so that His Blood may continually wash away our sins. This is why we celebrate Lent.

Painting above:
“Landscape with the Temptation of Christ”
Augustin Hirschvogel, 1545. State Hermitage Museum.

Ash Wednesday: "What Should I Give Up?"

“Proclaim a fast,
call an assembly;
Gather the elders,
All who dwell in the land,
Into the house of the Lord, your God,
And cry to the Lord!”
Joel 2:14

A few years ago, while I was homeschooling, I belonged to a Little Flowers group. This was a little girl’s group that focused on the emulating the virtues of various saints. Back then I “only” had 3 children. Most of the other mothers had 4 or 5. They all had a wonderful sense of humor, and some of the things they said I am just “getting” now!

One of the mothers said I was on the cusp of having a large family, and that I would cross over to that membership when I had another one! Now I know what she meant.

On Ash Wednesday of that year, we all got together for a liturgy. One of the mothers said, “I think I ran out of things to give up!” Now I know what she meant.

Mothers of large families are used to sacrificing everything for their children on a daily basis. Most don’t drink, smoke, or otherwise carry on notoriously bad habits. Some will go without a winter coat so their little one could be better clothed. Most barely have time to brush their hair and put makeup on in the morning.

The question of what to give up has always been difficult for me. I have always had a sound nutritious diet and believe dessert has a healthy place for families. So food is not first on my mind when it comes to self-sacrifice.

In recent years, many ministers have encouraged people to make a positive sacrifice rather than a negative one. Instead of giving something up, they say, try to do more charity, pray more, and be a better person. I have seen this feel-good philosophy be embraced and see it as a “cop-out”.

Giving more to the poor, praying more, and doing charity work above and beyond what you give during the rest of the year should be a given, just like during Advent. Sacrificing something is hard. Christ gave of himself during his entire lifetime on earth and at the end He made the ultimate sacrifice.

He never complained about doing miracles. But when the end was near He had to ask His Father for help in what was to come. This type of sacrifice is the spirit they we are trying to emulate during Lent. We will never come close to what He gave, but we can enter into that realm in a small way.

I like to look at Lent as a chance to become more like Christ. I try to effect a permanent improvement rather than a temporary one. Giving up a vice for a short time is like going on a crash diet, rather than making a change in lifestyle that will last. Where I give up a vice, I try to fill it with a virtue.

One year I gave up yelling. This was really hard. I replaced yelling with calmness and gentleness. I told a friend to increase my accountability. When she asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say I hadn’t yelled – much – and thought I could make a permanent decrease in the amount of yelling I did.

Some positive giving can be good for everyone. You can clean out your closets of all the clothing you and your children do not wear, and donate it. You can clear out your glassware cabinet of extra cups, utensils, etc., and donate it it to a thrift store or food pantry. Clear out your shelves of books you don’t plan on reading again or that the kids have outgrown, and bring them to your library if they have a recycled book program. Have the children go through their toys and stuffed animals, and donate them.

You feel good for clearing out clutter, as well as for the fact that someone else can make good use of the stuff. All that “stuff” has an effect of weighing down your spirit. Remember that the disciples were only allowed to keep one coat.

Praying more is something we can all do, and should do, and not just for Lent. (“Pray without ceasing.”)

I have tried to be encouraging here without any pretence at self-righteousness. “But take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.” (Matthew 6:1)

Those who are excused from fast or abstinence:
"Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment, manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline."

To find out all about Ash Wednesday click here.

To find out about the 40 Days for Life campaign click here.

Painting above:
Christ in the Wilderness Attended by Angels
Charles de La Foss
1280s-90s
oil painting