What I Gave up for Lent: "Feeling Aggravated"

Kids pulling on both ends of an elephant

I gave up “feeling aggravated” for Lent.

I had not made up my mind what I was going to do until after we had been to church on Ash Wednesday. Giving up a physical thing seemed to be meaningless. Giving of one’s time/material goods are things that should be done year-round. A true sacrifice that also meant acquiring a virtue seemed to be what I needed to do.

Some days I seem to breeze on through, feeling grateful for my beautiful family, nature, and all else God has given me. Other days I feel besieged by children who refuse to cooperate, incompetent clerks, people who have problems communicating clearly, and people who bounce checks.

Normally my blood pressure runs about 110/70, a very healthy number, but when I start to get aggravated I can literally feel my blood boil. I actually registered at 130/80 (“prehypertensive”) one morning when I was feeling like this. I know this is not a healthy state either physically or spiritually. I also wonder how I could allow external circumstances to alter my internal state of peace.

St. Therese of Liseaux wrote in “The Story of a Soul” of her frustrations dealing with the sisters she lived with. They would torture her in all the little ways they could, taking away what little comforts she could possibly have in her monastic lifestyle. She would respond by praying for them, and by trying to learn how to love them better. She actually had to avoid one sister for a while, for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing; but she eventually got so good at loving the good in her that the sister thought she was one of Therese’s favored ones.

Did Therese actually feel aggravated? Probably – she also wrote that it wasn’t wrong to feel a certain way except for how it makes you respond. Some days I think that if I didn’t have to deal with any people I would never get aggravated. That wouldn’t be too practical though.

One day I went ice skating alone with my three-year-old; another day we fell asleep on an early spring day in the sun. “Isn’t life wonderful,” I would think, and vow to hold onto that feeling when times got tough. Playing ball with my kids I also forget all that is bothering me – there is no sound but the cracking of the bat in my brain. Running also clears my mind, and leaves me with a sense of well-being for much of the day. “Maybe I should just stick to these activities that make me feel peaceful,” I think. Or I could live in the real world.

One morning I was doing fairly well. My kids came home from a half day and I had to lean on them to get them to finish their education fair projects. Within a half hour I was yelling, feeling at the end of my rope with one of them. I thought of my resolution. “Does EXASPERATED count?” I thought. I lost it about ten times that day.

In casual conversation, I have been mentioning my resolution with other moms. They usually think I’m joking. “Good luck with that,” they say.

One of my Facebook friends,Br. Cassian Sama, commented:
"Don't worry my friend! Struggling with impatience is God's way of telling you that he wants to bless you in that virtue. If you don't give up and continue to strive for it, then you can easily attain the rest of the virtues that will make you the holy wife, mother, and woman God has destined you to be. For Patience is the engine and force that gives life to all virtues."

Today I received a rejection letter for my book proposal. It was a “good” letter because it said some nice things about the merits of my book – but it still is kind of like winning the silver medal in the Olympic hockey game. Close, but no cigar. This scripture speaks to me on my handling of both “aggravation” and disappointment.

Romans
Chapter 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
2 through whom we have gained access (by faith) to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
3 Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance,
4 and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope,
5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.

The WHY of Sacrifice

My ten-year-old is giving up chocolate for Lent.

“What are you giving up?” she asks me.

“Clutter.”

“Huh?”

“Stuff I don’t need.”

“But isn’t that easy? If you don’t need it, how is that a sacrifice?”

“Well, for me it’s hard to do. And I get to turn it into almsgiving, as well.”

I love it when I can kill two birds with one stone. Prayer, fasting, almsgiving: those make three. If I pray while I am sorting through my belongings, I have them all covered.

Where does the temptation come in? There is temptation to keep stuff; to be lazy; to let it gather in the garage rather than put it in the car and take it to its destination; to not do it one day because I exceeded my minimum goal of ridding my house of one cubic foot of material goods the previous day. (I remember that it matters not what we did for Christ yesterday; He holds us accountable for what we did today.)

In the long run, I and my family will benefit from this Lenten activity. My house is losing weight, so to speak.

That brings up a question I have long had about Lenten fasting. Considering the well-established fact that the majority of American adults are trying to lose weight, I think it must be a thought in the back of their minds that, in giving up candy, snacks, desserts, and meat, they might just lose weight by Easter.

And, if that thought is present, is it wrong?

I had never seen this answer addressed until recently. While reviewing blogs for Catholic Mothers Online, I came across another blogger who held that it is wrong to fast with the motivation of losing weight.

And I suddenly realized that I really disagreed with this conclusion.

I think back to the day I quit smoking. I became a casual smoker in college, and never really thought it was very bad for me. I would not have quit for myself. The day I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I quit. Does the fact that this decision was good for me detract from the positive motivation of doing something good for my unborn baby? I don’t think so.

Two years later, a few weeks after the birth of our second daughter, my husband quit. He was a serious smoker, at two packs a day. He was still healthy and had no motivation to quit. However, the day the state tax increased the cost of a pack to $4 (January, 1999), he realized he had to quit for the financial good of the family. He quit cold turkey, and hasn’t slipped once. Again, someone who was giving up something for someone else and benefitted by his own well-being.

As temples of the Holy Spirit, we are commanded to take care of our bodies. When we knowingly fill those temples with things that are not good for us, we are falling prey to the weakness of sin. Year round, God wants us to take care of our bodies. If it takes a sacrifice to God to make it finally happen, I believe He is pleased. If we make that a lasting change, it is even better.

I read that Gwyneth Paltrow regularly goes on cleansing fasts of a minimum of ten days, during which she consumes nothing but water, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper. That would be a fast with the prime motivation of losing weight – and one which most of us would not be capable of holding up to. Now, losing weight or quitting smoking should not be the only motivation in our fasts, but the fact that it is difficult and we are willing to do it for God, while offering up our suffering in prayer, I believe makes it an acceptable Lenten sacrifice.

“But, even if I am poured out as a libation upon the sacrificial service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with all of you.”
Philippians 2:17

Landscape with the Temptation of Christ, Joos de Momper, 1564

Also posted at St. Blog’s The Divine Gift of Motherhood.

Ash Wednesday: "What Should I Give Up?"

“Proclaim a fast,
call an assembly;
Gather the elders,
All who dwell in the land,
Into the house of the Lord, your God,
And cry to the Lord!”
Joel 2:14

A few years ago, while I was homeschooling, I belonged to a Little Flowers group. This was a little girl’s group that focused on the emulating the virtues of various saints. Back then I “only” had 3 children. Most of the other mothers had 4 or 5. They all had a wonderful sense of humor, and some of the things they said I am just “getting” now!

One of the mothers said I was on the cusp of having a large family, and that I would cross over to that membership when I had another one! Now I know what she meant.

On Ash Wednesday of that year, we all got together for a liturgy. One of the mothers said, “I think I ran out of things to give up!” Now I know what she meant.

Mothers of large families are used to sacrificing everything for their children on a daily basis. Most don’t drink, smoke, or otherwise carry on notoriously bad habits. Some will go without a winter coat so their little one could be better clothed. Most barely have time to brush their hair and put makeup on in the morning.

The question of what to give up has always been difficult for me. I have always had a sound nutritious diet and believe dessert has a healthy place for families. So food is not first on my mind when it comes to self-sacrifice.

In recent years, many ministers have encouraged people to make a positive sacrifice rather than a negative one. Instead of giving something up, they say, try to do more charity, pray more, and be a better person. I have seen this feel-good philosophy be embraced and see it as a “cop-out”.

Giving more to the poor, praying more, and doing charity work above and beyond what you give during the rest of the year should be a given, just like during Advent. Sacrificing something is hard. Christ gave of himself during his entire lifetime on earth and at the end He made the ultimate sacrifice.

He never complained about doing miracles. But when the end was near He had to ask His Father for help in what was to come. This type of sacrifice is the spirit they we are trying to emulate during Lent. We will never come close to what He gave, but we can enter into that realm in a small way.

I like to look at Lent as a chance to become more like Christ. I try to effect a permanent improvement rather than a temporary one. Giving up a vice for a short time is like going on a crash diet, rather than making a change in lifestyle that will last. Where I give up a vice, I try to fill it with a virtue.

One year I gave up yelling. This was really hard. I replaced yelling with calmness and gentleness. I told a friend to increase my accountability. When she asked me how I was doing, I could honestly say I hadn’t yelled – much – and thought I could make a permanent decrease in the amount of yelling I did.

Some positive giving can be good for everyone. You can clean out your closets of all the clothing you and your children do not wear, and donate it. You can clear out your glassware cabinet of extra cups, utensils, etc., and donate it it to a thrift store or food pantry. Clear out your shelves of books you don’t plan on reading again or that the kids have outgrown, and bring them to your library if they have a recycled book program. Have the children go through their toys and stuffed animals, and donate them.

You feel good for clearing out clutter, as well as for the fact that someone else can make good use of the stuff. All that “stuff” has an effect of weighing down your spirit. Remember that the disciples were only allowed to keep one coat.

Praying more is something we can all do, and should do, and not just for Lent. (“Pray without ceasing.”)

I have tried to be encouraging here without any pretence at self-righteousness. “But take care not to perform righteous deeds in order that people may see them; otherwise, you will have no recompense from your heavenly Father.” (Matthew 6:1)

Those who are excused from fast or abstinence:
"Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment, manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline."

To find out all about Ash Wednesday click here.

To find out about the 40 Days for Life campaign click here.

Painting above:
Christ in the Wilderness Attended by Angels
Charles de La Foss
1280s-90s
oil painting